Monday, September 23, 2013

When Ravi Shastri and Virat Kohli turn politicians...

And the whole crowd went berserk in an instant; it was so loud that I could hardly hear myself think. Before this the loudest scenario I had ever been was when I watched the first show of a GULTI movie, but this was atleast 10 Junior NTR DB levels higher than that. I was really impressed with the composure that Virat Kohli displayed in what was his first election rally; he seemed surprisingly calm and composed as he went up on stage. It was Ravi Shastri who walked around frenetically on to the stage, waving his hands as if he had experienced a mini orgasm. He didn’t even wait till all of them settled on stage; he directly went on to the stage and started the rally. He seemed like a man in desperate hurry and who wasn’t keen on wasting even a second, but for me it looked like a man who wanted to vomit all out he had mugged up before he forgets it.

“Aaamchi Mumbai, Vanakkam Chennai, Kemon aachho Kolkatta, Chennagidiya Bengaluru, Susvaagatam Hyderabad, Namasteeeyyyyy Delhi. What we are going to witness here is a serious competition between BJP and Congress, and the rules of the game say that there can only be one winner. But at this moment it looks like the match will go right down to the wire and looks all three results are possible – a win, loss and a tie. This is what makes it a very exciting game because the final result is not known until the last vote is casted. In terms of entertainment value for the neutrals this is just what the doctor ordered. As the game goes on, you expect the reverse swing to come into play as the balls are getting older, but nothing can substitute experience. These people are Pro’s at their own game and it will be interesting to see as the contest is nicely poised at this moment. At the end of the day, this pressure cooker situation is going to make everyone go down all guns blazing. Make no mistake about it; this tracer bullet fired today by the party’s agenda is going to set the cat amongst the pigeons among the government. As a common man we people have to believe that something’s got to give very soon. The last thing we people want at this stage is some leader playing a silly shot, we need leaders who can stand up and be counted, someone who can use the long handle to good effect.

We had an excellent exhibition of democracy in the last elections. Over 10 lakh votes were cast, and in the end, it took a superb innings from the opposition leader to win it for them. Can the government pull something out of the hat this time too? Is there going to be another twist in the tail? That’s the question on everyone’s lips.

The stage has been nicely set up for a thrilling climax, and that’s the beauty of this game. At the end of the day, whoever comes out on top in these elections, Deomocracy is the winner.

Long Live India. Long Live BCCI. Long Live IPL. Only Sachin can decide when to retire. Jai Hind!!!”

He walked off the stage with the same intensity and anger he came on to the stage with. My ears were still buzzing with echoes of the loud barrage it experienced in the last 5 minutes. That was like 10 Junior NTRs + 5 Ravi Tejas + 3 Balakrishnas together. My ears were bleeding with the loud obscenity it had been exposed to; my mind was spinning with all the clich├ęs unable to make sense of anything.

But still there seemed to be no respite. Just as immediately as Ravi Shastri settled down, Virat Kohli came up to start his speech. Advaita was all rapt and engrossed, she had not taken her eyes off him from the moment he entered. I must confess Virat Kohli was damn suave and rich today, and he looked surprisingly very level headed today. I was excited myself to hear him and I was looking forward for some sense out of this entire rally.

“AREY BEHENCHODH. Teri Maa ki government what did they do when India lost to England? MAADERCHODH SAALA.  Teri Behen ki... (BEEP)… Australian team Haraami Saala… (BEEP)… beat us, what the hell was the government doing then?  Teri Maan Dee… (BEEP)… When India won the world cup Puddu Kutha… (BEEP)…”

Whoever had the brains to BEEP in at the right moments; it was like watching a WWE show when they used to BEEP every time a cuss word was used. The farthest WWE shows went to was a FUCK, but sitting here was like attending a Doctorate degree on Punjabi Gaali. He didn’t seem to be particularly angry about anything; it was the way he normally was on a cricket field. And every time the BEEP came the crowd erupted more with joy, which egged him on for more.

“Why is the IPL being targeted for no reason? People messing up with IPL Teri Gaandu Chuityaa ki Maaderchodh Behenchodh… (BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP)…” And not a single word of him was heard after that, the noise became so deafening that even Advaita wouldn’t have been able to hear me. She had put her fingers into her ears when Virat started and hadn’t taken it out till now.

“And finally one thing I want to say Ghashti Dallah Maader… (BEEEP)… we all will do it for Sachin Paaji. I will vote for Sachin Paaji in the elections. Sachin Paaji…”

Virat Kohli hadn’t finished when a bunch of security people got on stage and escorted all the leaders away. And in an instant, the entire rally was over.

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