Saturday, August 10, 2013

Vikram’s Hierarchy of Delhi Girls

For a guy who has lived the best part of my life in Pune, where girls have as much facial hair as those Shivaji statues everywhere, Delhi is like a paradise, a heaven full of clean shaven hairless female beauty. For the best part of my initial two months in Delhi I used to never look beyond those waxed blemish free legs and speck free underarms. I feel hands especially underarms have been unjustifiably down the pecking order in selection criteria by guys – but for me they would be near the very top. And if you’re in Delhi, the girls make sure they expose you to a copious amount of skin, putting you in a daze difficult to come out of if you happen to have the fetishes like I do. It would have taken around a month for me to grow over it, and pull up the courage to approach a girl and strike a conversation.

Only for me to repent later. Its best left when they are unspoken to and you end up ogling from a distance. The realization occurred late, but in time for me to chalk out Vikram’s Hierarchy of Delhi Girls for the greater good of mankind – A foolproof strategy to determine your scoring pattern needs.

Hierarchy #1: HOT BIMBOS

Their typical characteristics are hotness peppered with an overdose of more hotness. For the people in this category are just that – INSANELY HOT!! And it’s best if you let your dreams tingle from a distance and not even remotely attempt to talk any intelligent stuff with them. There are good chances that you’ll voluntarily lay yourself prey to the tigers in Jim Corbett. Found only in a group of three or four with a dotted pink bag in places like Select City and Big Chill areas. The easiest way to spot them would be to wait and watch out for their periodic giggling at some absurdly inane and dumb object or person.

Best to sit and watch from a distance, or get ready for a 100m dash at a speed Usain can’t Bolt if you feel they are walking up to you to pick up a conversation.

Hierarchy #2: THE PUNJ EFFECT

 Overarching subset of hierarchy #1 added with a little splash of more beauty replacing the only hotness content of #1 set. A splash of bindaas debonair attitude coupled with a better grammatical hold English and a heavy Punjabi accent to differentiate them from hierarchy #1. Very open and extremely forward looking to try out new things in life.

Best option to try out your luck if you can somehow overcome two giant turban clad (yellow and pink) brothers and an I-have-more-hair-than-a-bear father. If you can negotiate them this hierarchy is definitely the best bet, or be prepared for some ball crushing when they start their trucks.

My quick tip is to make an attempt if you find thin Punjabi family members, but then a thin Punjabi is an oxymoron.

Hierarchy #3: ALMA MATTER SHIT

Highly associated with the hierarchies 1 and 2, many of them will be their best buddies and also the fucking moral police dissuading them of the rightful pleasures of life of that age. Invariably from a middle-class background with a dad owning Maruti car and patriarchal lineage to a Bong or a Mallu, and currently pursuing a degree in either D.U or St. Stephens or JNU. Invariably snobbish and pricey about anything in life, will have sound opinions and would be hoping the moral high ground on matters of national importance. Highly average looking accentuated by an excessive use of a Pallika Bazaar perfume, barring a small minority this hierarchy is majorly laden with tasteless people evident from their Samsung phones.

Best way to spot them is if you find them starting and ending a conversation with their Alma Matter, or the easier option would be to just watch out for their phones. Generally disgruntled lot who presents a high scoring probability, but, think twice before doing anything.

Hierarchy #4: THE HAUZ KHAS ONES

 The one who occupy the highest order in Vikram’s hierarchy, and easily the only worthy ones where intelligence and beauty sits wonderfully on them. Generally found in places like Hauz Khas, Oxford Cha Bar reading a novel or skimming The Hindu or The Caravan, or blindly choose the one possessing an iPhone to be from this hierarchy. You will find them with minimal make up, wearing a mild fragrance of Chanel mostly in a simple tee-jean combo. The chances are that you’ll find them always ready for a nice conversation, be prepared for a heavy dose of “You bet” and “Kidding Atrocious” in their talk and also to be swept off by a highly engaging smile.

The next time you meet such kind of people, do remember to act quick, depending on their return flight from Delhi.  

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