Drameballz – Messi move to Chelsea stalled by Mourinho

I know it has been a terrible last one month for you all. Yes, it has been painfully sad for me too. I understand you wanting to smash that bloody phone countless number of times when you got the message from Rajendran (Rechristened ‘Rajendran Rodriguez’) criticizing Brazil’s flank play or when Gokul ‘Messi’ Verma replies only in German these days. I understand your pain, and I have no balm to heal those wounds.

But all I can promise you is that the future looks bright, very bright. Trust me. I have two reasons in my defence:

1. The World Cup is over.
2. No ‘Ravi Shastri’ for the Ind vs Eng Series

What we went through was a tough time indeed, but, at the end of the month ‘We are the winners’. The EPL is a month away, and enough time for the insanely crazy football fanatics to move on to #VamosRafa.

We can at peace, get ready for an exciting new season with exciting new players. In case, you have missed, I’ll give you a gist of all the transfer rumours over the last one month.

Manchester City have tabled a 1000 million pound bid for Costa Rica

Impressed by the performances of the Costa Rican team, Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, owner of Manchester City has tabled a 1000 million pound bid to the UN in an attempt to buy out the entire nation. The Premier League Champions feel this will totally take care of their objective of not grooming a single player from the club ranks, and destroy English football totally, atleast for the next decade.

The fans of the club were understandably very enthusiastic about the news. Speaking of which Oomen Chandy Blossomkuttan from Kerala says “I am very proud of what our fellow brothers in Dubai are doing, and all Keralites will back them in their attempts.”

The movement has received momentum from their demi-God when Shakila promised to come back to acting if the deal goes through. Poonam Pandey has decided to strip all, just as a teaser to woo all the Costa Ricans.

Tough decision, for the UN indeed.

Mourinho stalls Messi Move to Chelsea

Yes, the dream deal for any club, the transfer of the greatest player on the planet was stalled at the last minute by Chelsea manager Mourinho. Reports suggest that Mourinho was against this move from the day Adidas held talks with FA, citing how Messi knowing how to play football is totally against Chelsea’s tactics and objectives. He went up to the owner of the club for support, but that was not enough to convince Roman Abramovich, who was planning to sack Mourinho for not winning the World Cup.

Finally, a 20 yr-old video posted by Messi's father has come to the rescue of Mourinho. The video shows a young 5-year old Messi bumping his toy car into the wall while parking it. Mourinho’s caption of ‘If he can’t park this car, how can he park the CHELSEA bus?’ was enough to send the blues supporters into a rage and eventually stall the move.

However, the FA and Adidas have agreed terms to present the Golden Ball, Golden Boot for the 2014 Premier League season to Messi, without him having to play in the Premier League. Sepp Blatter, the president of FIFA, has given his consent to this extremely innovative marketing campaign.

The one person who has been vehemently opposing such an idea is our ex-prime minister, Manmohan Singh, who has promised to not talk a word till the issue is resolved amiably.

Barcelona Zoo to build team around Suarez

Probably the biggest news so far of the transfer season has been the 75 million pound move of Luis Suarez from Liverpool. No wonder the Spanish press and school kids are very excited about this move, talking of it as the biggest thing that could have happened to boost Spanish tourism in decades.

David Moyes, newly appointed manager of the Barcelona Zoo, has promised to build the entire zoo around their new capture. “I am sure my experience from managing Manchester United for 1 year, and Fellaini for 7 years, will be extremely helpful in managing this tough task ahead of me. I thank Alex Ferguson for personally recommending me for this job.”

Schools in Barcelona have already started advising students to maintain a gap of a minimum 50 meters with all wild animals, and 50 kms from Luis Suarez. Spanish tourism industry has received a 50% surge in visitors in the last week, and is expecting a GDP growth of 10% this year due to this boost.

Prime Minister, Narendra Modi has personally sent a team of MLAs from Goa on a month long paid vacation to study this phenomenon. As ex-president, Pratibha Patil feels it is her right to be a part of this group, and has submitted the Visas of 500 of her extended family members.

 We'll keep you posted on further developments from the transfer arena. Till that time, keep upping your German vocabulary.

Danke schön.

Drameballz is a new series that takes a weekly look at all the fun that happens in English football.