Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Biggest Predicament of my Life

Oh Mom How I wish I could explain to you..But I am really not able to put in to words what I am going through, if only I could I would've given a brilliant oration like an Indian PM..Sorry Mom, I have tried just that I am not able to sometimes tell you..

What I am dealing with here on a daily basis is intense pressure and scrutiny from my Mom..After all, I am not even playing a team game not moving my NPA (Non-Performing Ass) and sending a mob to quell people who think that SRT actually stands for yeS ReTire, nor am I doing anything hideous and getting spoilt by watching Puneet Rajkumar's movies just beacuse I am in Karnataka (Actually mom, I think the only people who can watch his face or his nose are those poor people who use it as a placebo to develop a dislike for food)

My problem is very simple. Everytime my Mom asks me to explain what I do for work I am not able to offer her a satiable explanation. She is disappointed and I am heart-broken unable to do broker a peace deal between us.. I am really in a fix..I look back at my last month recounting my Sales life to see if I can figure out a way to solve this important life problem..

Day 1:

Got my targets for the month..Insane growth figures and Chutiya type expectations..My boss expects a 20% growth over last month..I tried explaining my boss about how it is not possible to do that this month..He says 'Can't' isn't a word in his dictionary..(Blatant Lie Mom I checked all the dictionariesavailable in the market)..

If I tell him anything more he will say "I have been in this industry from 1989 and I have been here for 23 years now.." Sigh..Bloody hate all these 39 year olds who refuse to listen to public opinion..Should immediately pass a bill to remove all 39 yr olds in any system..

Day 4:

How do I explain to you Mom that the bill didn't pass because of a single MP in Rajya Sabha? You'll just not understand..You will say pray to God, everything will be alright..How do I tell you that God only didn't let it happen..If I tell you this, you'll say "#SivaX2 AbacharamX2" and shouldn't talk like that about God..But how do I...? Leave it Mom

Day 9:

You're asking me about the important client I had to meet..I really wanted to tell you about this..He purchases half the month's sales and many say he decides the real post of a manager in this territory..A Sonia Gandhi-MMS relationship..Aiyoo Amma I am not watching any MMS and that too of Sonia Gandhi..By MMS I meant Manmohan Singh..This is why maa I don't tell you anything..

Anyways I went to meet him today in the new Van Huesen shirt you got me in a bus which had a few men, women and 100 chicks..Again Mom again, don't think like that these are the small yellow ones I am talking about..I was travelling like a SRK in Swades to meet this kingpin..

You won't believe it Mom, all the while I was talking to him he just sat there and kept digging his nose..However hard I tried to take non-cognizance of the fact, that bloody bugger thought as if he is digging a borewell for water. After a point he stopped it and he inserted his hand into his banian (Yes Mom, he was wearing a Banian for our business meet) and was scratching his armpits..After that he is offering Dhokla's to eat with that same hand..

His name btw was Chandi..people fondly call him Chandi da..A Marwari settled in Calcutta and before migrating here..One thing you tell me Mom, no Marwaris never stay in Rajasthan huh? And bloody how do they have so much money?

These Marwaris are definitely the Jews of India..Thank God Hitler wasn't an Indian..Imagine Mom what would have happened..Thank God..Lives of so many good looking girls saved..And Guys too, of course if not for those Marwari Uday Chopra look alikes how will we have Pani Puri in Chennai kinda places..

How do I explain to you when you ask How the business meet went? How Mom how?

Day 15:

Got a call from my manager who blasted me for my performance till now..When asked how does he expect me to do the targets he says " I have to push myself hard, push the team, push push is the only mantra.." and cut the call..Bloody as if he had given a Bhagavad Gita on the Kurukshetra battlefield..

Just because he has a twin within a year of marriage, bloody he is giving me lectures..

Mom how do I explain pushing to you? How do I do it?

Day 23:

Had to travel to a town called Ranikuthi today..Mom how do I even tell you the name? But that is the name of the place..I don't even know if any self-esteemed Tamilian will even spell the name of the place..You would disown me if you even hear this, that is why I told you I didn;t goto work today..Pls understand Mom

This place Ranikuthi doesn't have a single 5 star hotel..I mean not even a single 5-star hotel for a population of 1 lac people..Not that I am ever going to stay in one, but the other day I went to Gurgaon they have atleast 20 5-star hotels for a population of 1000 people and 1 lac pigs..Just fascinating Mom how diametric is India's growth..Again if I tell you this, you will ask me how can 1000 people live with 1 lac pigs..But when I don't have the answers why to tell the story in the first place..

So, I put myself in the costliest 200 Rs hotel in Ranikuthi..It seems that is the hotel most preferred by the salesmen in that town..My targets are going way off planning because of huge dumping of stocks in the last month by the previous guy..I am literally tired of this word "Dumping"..Everywhere Everyone says dump the goods..Bloody No hygiene at all in the system..I will set it right mom believe me I will..

Should have been careful when they said it was a hotel preferred by salesmen..Some serious dumping had happened in the loo..Ran out at full speed to a nearby hotel for some water and air..Board displays - Today's Special.."DUMPLINGS"..

Mom you will only scold me if I tell you that I didn't eat that day that is why Mom I din't tell you anything that day when you called..

Day 30:

The Allen Solly's are useless..I was asked to give two soaps today in the store..Burnt the shirt..How do I tell you that?

Day 31:

I want to tell you that I met my month's targets but if you ask me how How on earth do I tell you we pumped the goods into a shop..I am ethical Amma I don't Dump, I am your Son..

Please understand When I tell you "I'm doing well" and let things stay that way between us..

Love you Mom!!!

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