Cash-for-Entry Scam

This has to rank amongst the most audacious things ever done by anyone. Atleast by me. SIGH!!! I let out a huge gasp of relief and after what seemed like an hour I lifted my head up. The instructions given to me were very clear from the beginning; at no cost should I lift my head up till I have reached inside. What I didn’t realize at that point was at no cost included being pointed at by an AK47 ready to blow your temples off. Anyways now am alive and inside I can afford to look up and look back at what I have done.

“Vikram just don’t panic and remember to keep looking down no matter what, the rest I will take care of.” That was all Vijay Singh told me before we started. He held my hand and took me along. The goddamn dhoti was what I was afraid of; I had three layers of belt – one around my waist and two around my thighs, two jeans and three undies beneath the dhoti just to be sure. 

The first checkpoint we encountered passed off without an incident; Vijay Singh seemed to know all of the guards in person who didn’t bother to break their chai time and signaled us in. Logically there was no reason I should be afraid, Minister Vijay Singh has been coming here for the last 30 years, before that his father had been coming here for 50 years, politics was their family business. Not surprising that he knew all of the people around.

Things went ahead event-free with the next few checkpoints as well. Majority of them put a salaam to Singh and continued with their Chai, a few of the points dint even have guards, a few had guards busy with their rummy sessions, only a few of them actually rose to talk to him – be it about their promotions, or regarding when to pick up Singh’s children for school the next day or the grocery items for his house for the month.

At that time I was thinking to myself “Haha, if this is the deal I could have negotiated for half the price with Vijay Singh”. Just then I was stopped by two Sardars who could have easily passed off as the Great Khali holding two AK-47s which were almost my size. Two German Sheperd’s were tied to the post on the sides that would conveniently be say triple my size or say one-tenth of a Ambani’s son.

I straight jacketed myself sucking all the air ass-up. I could feel all the contractions and every bit of my nerve in the lower half of my body. For a moment it felt like I had succeeded. But I was not fully sure whether I had managed to hold my uneasiness in bowel movement without any solid output to show. Vijay Singh pounced in at the right time to avert any further disaster. He took away one of the Sardars slipped in a 500 Rs note in his pocket and threw a biscuit packet at the dogs.

“I told you not to panic Vikram when I am here. Saala yeh log naya hai isi liye humko rukha tha”. The next few checkpoints the same procedure continued – He would take one of the cops away slip in a 500 Rs note and throw a biscuit packet at the dogs. But Vijay Singh wouldn’t go unless they gave him a proper salute at the end of it all and a ceremonious exit arranged for him. How much was it for him and how much was it for the 500 Rs? But he was least bothered about all that. 

We had reached the last of the inspection gates; Vijay handed over a KFC burger and asked me to sit in the corner as he said this one will take time. I was happy that the ordeal is almost over and I would soon be inside one of the sacred institutions of the Indian government where only a handful of people in India would have ever gone into. Which is why I feel very special and privileged to be..THUD..

The next moment I had the AK-47 on the back of my head, the burger went tumbling across over to where the dogs where. They ripped it apart in seconds as it was their starter and were waiting for the main course bounty. I was soon surrounded by the other cop who brought the other AK-47 right to my face. Vijay Singh tried to plead with the cops to let me go but I could see him reach out for the trigger instead. I squeezed my eyes in as tightly as I could.

And it clicked!!!

There were no doubts about this one. It was neither solid nor liquid, it was in between. I could feel the sensation of a semi-solid substance dripping down my thighs.

I could afford to laugh about it now but had it not been for Shakila Chechi, the German Sheperds would have had a Vikram feast for the night. How can a minister, and that too, a minister of parliamentary affairs be such a big Chutiyaa? He almost got me killed, that Bastard. He had counted the number of checkpoints wrong and had 500 Rs less for the last entry. The cops would have blown my head off hadn’t one of them turned out to be a Mallu.

“The sad thing, Vikram, is I had to give that new Shakila DVD to that cop. This is her latest video, and I got it specially sent from the Kerala chief minister”. His only fucking concern was that his DVD was gone. I had only heard of Shakila once in my life, when my engineering college roomie from Kerala had posters of her all across the room. His name was Jibu Joseph Mathew Kuttan.

“Don’t worry about what happened Vikram – I have transferred those guys already to Chattisgarh. No one watches what’s happening inside. You can move around as freely as you want. Enjoy your time Vikram” I paid up the full installment of 5000 Rs to him and he was off. Finally after an hour of adventure with AK-47s and German Sheperds, I am here inside the PARLIAMENT OF INDIA. Thanks majorly to Shakila

The first look reminded of my engineering college TCS pre-placement talk. A huge gallery auditorium which had a speaker and a few members dispersed across. And there seemed to be no placecom to bring in more people here.  

I was initially skeptical about the anonymity of a stranger like me inside the Parliament, but, I was pleasantly surprised with the hospitality I received. The person next to Vijay Singh’s seat welcomed me as if he knew prior about my arrival. He introduced himself as Panjo Baby Mohanlala Jobimon. He added that he was from Kerala and he got working on his laptop. As if there was every any doubt in my mind that he is from any other state of Dubai.  

I scanned the entire place once. Not even half the number of people would have been present at that point of time – many of them were sleeping with their heads on the table, a few of them were playing temple run, the rest of them were divided between angry birds and stick cricket. Only a very few like Panjo Baby Jobimon sitting next to me were doing something productive like working on the laptop.  Whatever you say, these mallus are one of the most hardworking set of people I have seen.

To believe this was the Parliament of India, the highest institution of governance, attended by the elected representatives of the people was the toughest part for me. And it was after months of hard-work and meeting with the right contacts that I got in touch with the Vijay Singh for this entry. But what would you expect if the parliamentary minister is the prime culprit for selling entry into the parliament to me.

From what I could figure out the motion for passing the food security bill is being discussed. Every 30 seconds a group of ministers would wake up from whatever they were doing to clap their desks in approval of the motion, and at the same time, the remaining set of ministers would boo to express disapproval. Then they would get back to continue with their more important works. None of them had any clue as to what was happening in the house. That’s because coming to the parliament for all these members was just a matter of turning up and clapping or booing whatever was the order of that day.

Panjo Baby Jobimon, though, was generally uninterested in disruption of the session and was fully into his work. That’s when I realized the seat number I was sitting on is 102, which means, the seat next to me is 103. Seat #103. That’s where Sachin Tendulkar sits.

“What are you talking? He will have hundreds of commitments, how can GOD come to the parliament and all? He has not been able to make it for even a single day. That’s how busy GOD is.” Panjo Baby was livid when I asked him why Sachin hasn’t come to the parliament.

GOD it seems. Bloody if he is god why the fuck do you bother him with all these petty things, like nominate him and make him a member of the parliament. This is the GOD-damn problem here; elevate simple human beings to god-level status so you become blind and immune to their errors and frailties. The same servile attitude is prevalent everywhere in life and largely responsible for the biggest evil of these people - sucking up to the party high command. When will these people raise their voices?

I didn’t have to wait long for the answer. There would have been a minimum of hundred cell phones that rang at the exact same time. The leader of the opposition party group stood up to announce 3..2..1. At the count of 1, all of them were inside the well of the house in no time enacting what seemed like a scene from 300. A mix of chairs mikes dhotis flew from end-to-end. Not to be left alone, the ruling party on this side also joined in. Panjo Baby let rip one of his slippers right at the crowd and landed exactly on the speakers head. He wasn’t completed satisfied though. He removed his belt and ran at full speed towards the opposition, Panjo Baby was least concerned where his Dhoti was.   

The entire session of parliament was adjourned for the entire day. It was all part of their bloody plan. I was the only one with no part to play in any of this. I silently walked out before someone could rip my Dhoti apart.

ENTE MONE Jobimon!!! All this while you were doing..Sigh. Same Shakila. Same DVD.

These mallus have to be one of the most HANDWORKING set of people I have seen.