Tuesday, September 16, 2014

100 Crores for the Ice Bucket Challenge

1million videos, 2 million hashtags, 5 million likes in 1 day. Beat that! Facepalm to all those first world countries who keep mocking at our population and unemployment.  India was making a mockery of the bucket challenge. And being the company responsible for fund collection in India, we could see our stock values being written its worth in gold.

“Mani, what the hell are you doing? Where are the donations?”

“Sir, but 1 million videos and counting. I thought we would be…” My manager was howling at the other end. People were just bothered about the likes for their FB videos; only 1 lakh an hour is trickling in.

“I don’t care what you’re going to do. I need 100 crores from you.” The call hung up at the other end. The whole world came crashing.

100 crores. I could see my holiday in Goa crumbling before my eyes. The plans I made with Rhea. My incentive cheque. DAMN!!! I needed to make a plan.

Act 1:

I flicked the Gandhi cap from a roadside rickshaw-walla and wore a sweater and scarf albeit in the heat of 40 degree. That was the only way I could get anywhere close to AK. I neatly rolled out my plan to him.

“Sir, the whole country is going crazy over this. You can capture all the media attention that you once had. Now, is the time, both RaGa and NaMo still don’t know about it, and you will be the trendsetter again.” Arvind Kejriwal sat up the moment I mentioned the word NaMo. He paced across the room in rapid pace thinking about my proposal long and hard.

“Ok, I will take up the challenge. But only on the condition that Ice and a Bucket are made available for free to the Aam Aadmi.”

AK was primly dressed with his customary dressing and the skull cap, and explained an hour about how he had got corrupt free water from the free water that was given during his government, his water tax receipts, and went on and on. His nominations were an open challenge to NaMo, RaGa, and Mukesh Ambani. At the end of an hour, I was sweating more than him.

But, I was happy I finally uploaded the video.   

“What the hell have you done? Delete that video at once.” The moment that video went live, the donations had dipped to 10 Rs an hour. The first hour from Arvind Kejriwal, the second hour from Ashutosh, and by the third hour I had removed the video before further damage.

Act 2:

“There is no one watching the match these days. They have moved on to football and tennis. There are rumours that Anushka Sharma has the PK poster as her display picture. This is your only chance to impress her.” Virat immediately agreed on the mention of Anushka. 100 crores from one video. What a masterstroke!!

I was the unlucky one who had to do it, but if this was the only way I was going to reach 100 crores, so be it. Virat stood before me ready for the challenge and all he had was an even smaller transistor than Aamir Khan. “Saala Behen ki, this will show him who the boss is”

After hours of careful editing of numerous slip ups of Virat with the transistor, I finally had a video fit for public viewing. Virat had nominated Anushka Sharma and Aamir Khan for the challenge.

“Teri Maa ki (Beep), Saala (Beep)…” I hung up the phone before he could complete. With it, the plans of reaching close to my target. How was I responsible if there were more views for Aamir Khan’s video than Virat’s. Doomed!

Act 3:

Last throw of dice. There was no one else who could bail me out now.

“But, all this is against our cultural values. Our government will not support the influence of western ideas into our country.” I sat trying to convince him for more than an hour now. But, Subramanian Swamy wouldn’t budge.

“Sir, according to one version of the Ramayana, Sita’s swayamvar was not based on the bow and arrow challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge is actually the brainchild of Ram and Laskhman.” I didn’t even have to complete the statement; he had already made up his mind. He quickly made a call to his secretary to call for a press conference.

“Sir, the donations for the challenge.” I stood there gingerly as Subramanian Swamy was making violent phone calls for his press conference.

“Haan, Don’t worry, about that.” He picked up his phone to make a final call.

“Jaitely saab, allocate 100 crores from the Budget for the Ram Sita Ice Bucket Ayodhya Yojana.”

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