Sunday, June 29, 2014

Six steps to Save your face in this Football Fever

I can understand your anxiety. I can understand your helplessness. Let me get straight to the point. These have been formulated based on extensive analysis and careful research, so blindly follow them without anxiety.

1. You've got to support a team

"How can I support a country I haven't been to, nor whose national anthem I know, and which I have seen only in Maps?" Bullshit.

This is not the time for your patriotism or nationalistic fervour.To sound like as football flows through your veins and blood, you've got to support a team. So choose one. Done?

Aiyoo, you're a madrasi or what? Don't support Brazil thinking its CSK, or Netherlands thinking its BJP. You'll get grilled by their history and quizzed about Selcao and Maracana. Always, choose a team who have no chance of winning, no tactics, no star players, and are in Brazil cos their queen sent them there.

England? Good choice. You've cleared point #1

2. Messi, Neymar and Ronaldo

Who the heck are you to care about Messi performing better for his club rather than his country of birth? How much time did you waste seeing all those videos and reading about them? I'm sorry, your time has totally been wasted.

The best way to avoid controversy is not get into any discussion of greatness abt Messi vs Ronaldo, just take the conversation to another level and make them feel like amateurs. Remember our idea is to get through this one month of epidemic, and not become a pundit. I will make it simple for you. Just memorize these five words.

Total Football, Johan Cryuff, Maradona, Hand of God, Pele, Black Pearl.

That is it, with these you've obtained a masters degree in Football. Randomly use those words in any discussion irrespective of the topic. Post a few comments on status messages, send group mails, but make sure those five words in regular conversations.

A Sample comment on a status message can be: Machan, how're you and your "hand of god" doing? Can you get me a "Black Pearl" necklace this time?

Or, confidently use a foreign language and put up a status message. Let Google Translators go bonkers, others will never ask you what it means for it will expose their ineptitude.

Say spanish: El Mundo Deportiva la Johan Cryuff la roja Ricky Martin song lo Un, dos, tres, Ave Maria Maradona Vamos Rafael Nadal Barcelona

100 Likes. 0 Comments. In 10 minutes

3. Mani Neymar Van James Messi Luis Ronaldo Inam

You just cannot get to the next level of Football Intelligentsia without this step. This will save you from having to paint your faces with sticky paints, waste money on expensive jerseys to desperately show your football knowledge. Choose your favourite name from all 32 teams and mix them by lots in between your first and last names. Change all your social contacts to this name right away. As and when a team goes out, drop that name, and revamp your loyalties.

And when the WC is over, you should reveal that your real name always was "Lionel Mani Messi Inam".

4. Set your alarms to 3.30

Now, this is a mistake all novices do. Staying up all night, forcing yourself to watch, and getting fucked up the next day in office. You've become a semi-pro already by clearing 3 steps, this will make you reach Pro status.

Change that alarm to 3.30. Now, you've got to perfectly keep up this time. There is no way out on this. I'm sorry, there's no way but to be the first on this.

Just look up the scores and goal scorers, and Update statuses like "Wow, what a goal (Fill here)", "Through to the next round (Fill here)" and sometimes even very statiscally brilliant ones like "What a terrifc match, it ended (Score here)".

Choose five friends whom your sure wouldn't have watched the match and forward messages like "Mate, did you see the match? What wing coverage and tactcial formation and inspired substitutions".

Now, go back to sleep.

5. Intelligent Humour

Very very important. I can't stress enough on this. To move to the Senior Pro level, you've got to do this.

Again, don't worry. I will handle this for you. Use this standard template.

Take your friends to some shabby restaurant for a meal. Wait fot them to say "Really, bad management". Immediately pounce on and say "I think David Moyes is the manager, here". Bask in the glory and applause for a while, but be very aware when the next one comes. "Mate, want a bite?".This time the reply should sound really cool. "I am not Saurez, man". Give a smirk, and immediately walk out for a smoke.

Your greatness will be discussed long into the night.

6. Post-Match Analysis

Now, that you've crossed 5 steps of greatness, you'll automatically notice ppl asking you for predictions and analysis. This is the part which will make you an expert, and you need to go really easy and careful on this.

Never give a score prediction. Never ever do that. This is not IPL, we do not know the results beforehand. So, this has to be your response.


"I think both the teams are evenly poised and we are in for a cracker of a contest. I expect the match to go right down to the wire. I get the feeling whoever plays well will surely win the match."

And, immediately after the match gets over, don't wait for others to ask you this time. Get up from your chair, raise a toast, and proudly say

"What we witnessed here was a fascinating contest, At the end of it, I can only say football is the winner"

Wipe off your tears.

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