For a guy who has lived the best part of my
life in Pune, where girls have as much facial hair as those Shivaji statues
everywhere, Delhi is like a paradise, a heaven full of clean shaven hairless
female beauty. For the best part of my initial two months in Delhi I used to never
look beyond those waxed blemish free legs and speck free underarms. I feel hands
especially underarms have been unjustifiably down the pecking order in
selection criteria by guys – but for me they would be near the very top. And if
you’re in Delhi, the girls make sure they expose you to a copious amount of skin,
putting you in a daze difficult to come out of if you happen to have the
fetishes like I do. It would have taken around a month for me to grow over it,
and pull up the courage to approach a girl and strike a conversation.
Only for me to repent later. Its best left
when they are unspoken to and you end up ogling from a distance. The
realization occurred late, but in time for me to chalk out Vikram’s Hierarchy
of Delhi Girls for the greater good of mankind – A foolproof strategy to determine
your scoring pattern needs.
Hierarchy #1: HOT BIMBOS
Their typical characteristics are hotness
peppered with an overdose of more hotness. For the people in this category are
just that – INSANELY HOT!! And it’s best if you let your dreams tingle from a
distance and not even remotely attempt to talk any intelligent stuff with them.
There are good chances that you’ll voluntarily lay yourself prey to the tigers
in Jim Corbett. Found only in a group of three or four with a dotted pink bag
in places like Select City and Big Chill areas. The easiest way to spot them
would be to wait and watch out for their periodic giggling at some absurdly inane
and dumb object or person.
Best to sit and watch from a distance, or get
ready for a 100m dash at a speed Usain can’t Bolt if you feel they are walking
up to you to pick up a conversation.
Hierarchy #2: THE PUNJ EFFECT
Overarching subset of hierarchy #1 added with
a little splash of more beauty replacing the only hotness content of #1 set. A splash
of bindaas debonair attitude coupled with a better grammatical hold English and
a heavy Punjabi accent to differentiate them from hierarchy #1. Very open and extremely
forward looking to try out new things in life.
Best option to try out your luck if you can
somehow overcome two giant turban clad (yellow and pink) brothers and an
I-have-more-hair-than-a-bear father. If you can negotiate them this hierarchy
is definitely the best bet, or be prepared for some ball crushing when they
start their trucks.
My quick tip is to make an attempt if you
find thin Punjabi family members, but then a thin Punjabi is an oxymoron.
Hierarchy #3: ALMA MATTER SHIT
Highly associated with the hierarchies 1 and
2, many of them will be their best buddies and also the fucking moral police
dissuading them of the rightful pleasures of life of that age. Invariably from
a middle-class background with a dad owning Maruti car and patriarchal lineage
to a Bong or a Mallu, and currently pursuing a degree in either D.U or St.
Stephens or JNU. Invariably snobbish and pricey about anything in life, will
have sound opinions and would be hoping the moral high ground on matters of
national importance. Highly average looking accentuated by an excessive use of
a Pallika Bazaar perfume, barring a small minority this hierarchy is majorly laden
with tasteless people evident from their Samsung phones.
Best way to spot them is if you find them
starting and ending a conversation with their Alma Matter, or the easier option
would be to just watch out for their phones. Generally disgruntled lot who
presents a high scoring probability, but, think twice before doing anything.
Hierarchy #4: THE HAUZ KHAS ONES
The
one who occupy the highest order in Vikram’s hierarchy, and easily the only worthy
ones where intelligence and beauty sits wonderfully on them. Generally found in
places like Hauz Khas, Oxford Cha Bar reading a novel or skimming The Hindu or
The Caravan, or blindly choose the one possessing an iPhone to be from this
hierarchy. You will find them with minimal make up, wearing a mild fragrance of
Chanel mostly in a simple tee-jean combo. The chances are that you’ll find them
always ready for a nice conversation, be prepared for a heavy dose of “You bet”
and “Kidding Atrocious” in their talk and also to be swept off by a highly
engaging smile.
The next time you meet such kind of people,
do remember to act quick, depending on their return flight from Delhi.
